XanBcoo is a weirdo: OCD and me
Tomorrow I'm going to see a hypnotherapist.
After months and months of putting it off and arguing with my parents that it would be a "waste of time and money" I have finally caved in. About a year ago I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder after seeing a neurologist. It's something I'd always suspected I'd had but never really gave it much thought. It's finally become annoying enough that I've looked for treatment.
I'm not trying to get attention or sympathy out of this. I'm not trying to be patronizing and say "My brain works differently" or "I'm a special flower!" Gotwoot has been kind of slow lately and I thought this might make an interesting read. At the very least I think the therapy part will be a bizarre experience since I think that any type of therapy is extremely hokey and exploitative. So what the hell...
Anyway, OCD is a term people throw around a lot. Usually people think of what is actually OCPD, like what Tony Shaloub in Monk has. Either that or they think it refers to those everyday niggles and preoccupations that I think everyone gets. Like when there's lint on someone's shirt or a painting is hanging crooked and you just have to fix it because ohhhhh myyyy Gooooood! Yeah, I get that too, but that's not what OCD is. Through a lot of research I've realized I have a few more subtle qualities of OCD than I originally thought. In this thread I'll try and describe more about what OCD is and what it's like.
For me, the most frustrating aspect of it all is most definitely the ticks. Since I was about 7 or so I've had a long list of compulsive ticks. I have never been able to make any particular one go away, but fortunately different ticks come and go. I grow out of some and eventually develop new ones. I've had so many I can't recall them all, but some of my older ticks have included:
Shaking my head.
"Popping" my thumb next to my ear.
Blinking hard enough so I could hear the blood rush
Blowing air out of my nose
Fixing my hair
Tapping the ground with my right foot every few steps (this one is current)
All of these were done quite frequently, usually every 1-5 minutes. If I had to explain it I'd say it's like holding your eyes open in front of a fan. Sooner or later it will become unbearable and you have to blink. They are not caused by any specific obsession, but rather an unexplainable sense of physical urgency, and there really isn't any logical reason why I repeat each specific action. These aren't particularly annoying or frustrating and I really couldn't care less about them.
My other ticks are slightly different and more intrusive and strange but still not really that bad. These ticks are caused by a feeling that I've done something "incorrectly" or that specific actions are misaligned in space or generally just done wrong. It's the weirdest feeling and is not something I can explain very well or clearly, but through talking to my parents and friends I've come up with an analogy that seems to make sense.
Imagine that you've got a copy of a very large and intricate painting printed on transparent paper and that you've been tasked with placing it on top of the original so that all of the lines overlap perfectly and it looks like the copy isn't there at all. Even the slightest misalignment means it's wrong. It must be done absolutely perfectly. Using that analogy, here's an example I did in MSPaint, because I like to draw!
http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/1200/ocdbook.th.png
Here's me reading a book. Now sometimes when I get to the end of the page, I try and turn it, but all of a sudden I get a feeling like, "Wait, that wasn't right..." and everything feels like this:
http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/745...kwrong3.th.png
Now obviously I don't literally see the red overlapping image, but that's how it feels in my head. Everything is out of place, not correct, misaligned, and just generally completely out of whack. I have to turn the page or read the last word/sentence again and again and again and again until it finally feels ok to continue to the next page. The different actions this has occurred with in the past have included:
Walking through a doorway
Resting my hand/foot/head on something
Turning the page of a book/reading a word
Closing doors/refrigerators/drawers
Checking and tapping my right pocket
Sitting correctly
Exhaling correctly
Until I can do each action "correctly" I cannot do anything else. It's usually a process of trial and error, and I'll have to repeat each action one to maybe twenty times before it finally feels right. The "solutions" are sometimes quite bizarre. Things like holding my hand/head in a certain position or at a certain angle, or concentrating or pressing hard on whatever I'm holding. No, it does not make any sense. Fortunately these don't happen often (maybe once every day, depending on the action).
My current and biggest tick is the most intrusive in my daily life. I've had it since high school and I cannot stress enough how frustrating it is. It's gotten to the point where I can't ride in cars or airplanes comfortably, and sometimes I can't even stand directly next to a person. I don't like to talk about it or mention it to people because I'm pretty self conscious about it. Everyone eventually notices anyway, but usually don't realize it's a tick or I'll make an excuse. The problems caused by this one is what convinced me to seek help in the first place.
This compulsion is caused by a feeling similar to what I assume Germophobia is like. I'm not Germophobic in the least (some of you have seen pictures of my room), but it's often set off by a similar sort of obsession. The action is also subject to the same "incorrect" feeling that I described earlier. So if it happens, and I do it wrong, then I have to repeat it over and over again until I get it "right". That is when it becomes noticeable and it often gets physically exhausting. Like I'll get headaches or feel tired out and stuff. I hate it. So much.
But I am not ready to have medicine thrown at me for this. When I was first diagnosed I was prescribed 2 anxiety drugs, Xanax and Zoloft. I never got those, and I still have the prescriptions in my wallet. Both are primarily anti-depressants, and one of my best friends had a terrible experience with Zoloft's side effects, so I don't feel comfortable taking that route at all.
http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/1599/zoloft.th.jpg
Fuck off you depressed little shit. I'm not taking your medicine. Cheer up and go outside.
So then both of my parents suggested hypnotherapy. They said although it probably won't cure my problems, it might make them easier to deal with. I'm not totally against the ideas of hypnosis and suggestion, and I'm aware that they can be quite powerful. I'm a huge fan of Derren Brown, so I don't think it's a complete crock of shit. Honestly...I don't think it will help all that much, but if my parents are willing to pay for it then I have no problem at least trying it. The experience should be interesting and the worst that can happen is that I end up taking a very expensive nap.
So yeah, just thought I'd share. I'll update once I see this hypno-lady. I'm half-expecting wind chimes and candles. If you guys have any questions or comments it'd be cool to hear what y'all think. I'd like to stress again that aside from my big tick this isn't an extremely intrusive aspect of my life. It doesn't hinder me from doing anything and most of the people I know have never even noticed it about me.
Thanks for reading :cool:.
