IRC (now w/ weddings)

[Terracosmo]

My newest improvised IRC story. Posted here by popular demand:

(all comments, random shouts of lol and stuff from others have been deleted)

<Terracosmo> once there was a bear named beer
<Terracosmo> he was very similar to other bears except for one notable missing detail
<Terracosmo> he lacked tails
<Terracosmo> ears
<Terracosmo> mouth
<Terracosmo> legs
<Terracosmo> in fact he looked more like a pillow than a bear
<Terracosmo> so since he's named beer the bear you'd normally expect him to be teased because beer is close to bear
<Terracosmo> and you'd call him lol drunk bear
<Terracosmo> and he'd be like shut up I'm not drunk
<Terracosmo> and you'd respond okay maybe you're not drunk but your mother sure was last night
<Terracosmo> and then he'd kill you
<Terracosmo> but that was not the case in this story however
<Terracosmo> poor beer was teased because he looked like a fucking pillow
<Terracosmo> in fact it drove him to madness and he refused to accept that he was a bear
<Terracosmo> he thought that he was a pillow for real
<Terracosmo> the first few years the other bears played along with the poor amputated bear thingy and allowed him to believe that he was a pillow
<Terracosmo> but eventually, when beer started sleeping together with his male friends (Hey! I'm a fucking pillow! we sleep together!)
<Terracosmo> so eventually, after a sub-story involving the village's elder bear, two mistresses, a jacuzzi, a rented movie about tarzan and a lot of banana oil,
<Terracosmo> beer had to face the truth
<Terracosmo> you are not a pillow, the elder bear (who's name was steve the wonder bear) said coldly
<Terracosmo> and beer was like
<Terracosmo> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
<Terracosmo> CUPCAKES
<Terracosmo> and elder was like "yeah, deal with it" and expelled beer from the bear tribe just for kicks
<Terracosmo> beer now found himself alone in the world
<Terracosmo> luckily there was a bus stop right next to the bear camp and he decided to travel to town
<Terracosmo> he tried to get on but since he didn't have any arms (did I mention that he doesn't have arms?) he couldn't reach for his money
<Terracosmo> which didn't really matter
<Terracosmo> because he didn't have any money
<Terracosmo> so the stupid bear tried to bribe the bus driver with fruits from the forest
<Terracosmo> the driver said "no, I don't eat fruits, I'm a vegetarian"
<Terracosmo> upon which beer tried to say "but fruits are okay for a vegetarian to eat"
<Terracosmo> but since beer didn't have a mouth (did I mention that?) he couldn't say that
<Terracosmo> and his response sounded a bit like this:
<Terracosmo> "..."
<Terracosmo> and the driver said "you mute fucking caterpillar, get off my bus"
<Terracosmo> not only didn't beer get to travel to town
<Terracosmo> he was also emotionally devastated
<Terracosmo> CATERPILLAR?!
<Terracosmo> how dared the driver!
<Terracosmo> HOW DARED THE DRIVER CALL HIM CATERPILLAR! - this echoed through beer's mind as he started to devise a grand scheme
<Terracosmo> a grand scheme of
<Terracosmo> *dramatic silence*
<Terracosmo> revenge
<Terracosmo> unfortunately he didn't know how to execute this grand scheme
<Terracosmo> since he couldn't move
<Terracosmo> so he'd just sit around
<Terracosmo> he sat around a good while
<Terracosmo> like 10 minutes or so
<Terracosmo> before princess playboy from the neighboring country of fake orgasmic gimmicks happened to pass by
<Terracosmo> princess playboy, who was in fact a male transexual with an unhealthy bear fetish, saw this beer/pillow/caterpillar abomination
<Terracosmo> and he/she instantly fell in love
<Terracosmo> he/she knew, that this was destiny
<Terracosmo> beer himself was of course scared, after all, princess playboy was hairy and not exactly someone you'd want to sleep with
<Terracosmo> but since he didn't have a mouth he couldn't say that either and just tried to desperately jump around
<Terracosmo> princess playboy boldly kidnapped beer and took him to his/her fabled fortress of dreams
<Terracosmo> upon reaching this fortress,
<Terracosmo> beer saw him
<Terracosmo> his one greatest nemesis
<Terracosmo> the driver
<Terracosmo> indeed, the driver lived there as well
<Terracosmo> beer knew, that this was destiny
<Terracosmo> and so did the driver because he recognized the pillow immediately and grabbed him and threw him into a well
<Terracosmo> "thou shalt have no revenge!" the driver shouted as beer fell
<Terracosmo> *sad music begins to play*
<Terracosmo> beer never got up from the well again
<Terracosmo> but it is said that at night you can hear spooky sounds of "..." from the bottom of the well
<Terracosmo> (no sounds)
<Terracosmo> and as we all know, it is beer, forever doomed to..
<Terracosmo> no wait, goddamnit, this story got scary
<Terracosmo> now I won't be able to sleep
<Terracosmo> REWIND
<Terracosmo> as the driver threw beer
<Terracosmo> he miraculously did a dropkick on the driver which killed him
<Terracosmo> the end.