Originally Posted by Sapphire
Fine, then. I'll try to be serious here.
@ Words
There's a little something called brevity that would be of exceeding importance to your writing style in the future. You do an excellent job with setting a scene, imagery, etc. But imagery cannot sustain a story by itself. All that I had after 600 words was "A guy goes to Japan and gets on a train where he sees a cute girl." After the next 200 words, the only development was that the guy and the girl left the train. I'm sorry, but I need something more to happen in that timeframe for my attention to be held.
Having the story end right there was cruel as well. As a reader, I felt disappointed that I had read 800 pages all for nothing. No conclusion, just a wispy "And there's more to this story!" That can work. But the situation in which it works best is when the author has his audience hooked, wanting more after having read something that engaged them. Unfortunately, I was not engaged in the first 800 words.
To be honest, I think that if the author had a great idea for the story, this style could go a long way if it was simply longer. Unfortunately, that was not the case and I left the story without much of an understanding of where the author was going.
@ Dandylion
I really, really loved this story and I'm being 100% serious. The mood is instantly set. The author gets into the subject matter quickly. A guy is obsessed with a girl - perfect recipe for drama. The next paragraph only thickens the tension - dude is obsessing over a 16-year-old girl. It literally just keeps adding and adding and building and building.
You never see the plot twist until you finally get to it, and when you read back over what you just read, the hints seems obvious. That is just good writing. The constant prodding at otaku/nerd culture/life is just so irreverantly delicious.
The story was self-contained with a complete ending, yet it could absolutely be expanded on and made even better. It really is the best goddamn thing I've read in the contest and I find it a shame that at this point it is not winning.
Yes, I really fucking loved it.
@ Melody
Technically good. Great imagery. Concise, intelligent story (an army soldier who was raised as a child happens upon his biological mother in the forest and then moves away from SUPER DEEP ANALYSIS he totally leaves his childhood behind with his mother and continues upon the path of a soldier, no matter how hard it may be. Be still, my beating heart.)
The author is smart, the author is literate. The author did this extremely well. But I didn't like the story - it was too familiar.
Oh well. Question for the author - the setting is Africa, right? If not, where is it? Don't puss out by telling me it's everywhere and anywhere. I just wanna know.
@ Uncharted Territory
I liked this one the least. I'm sorry.
This is one of those "let me tell you a story" stories. And if you know anything about those, they all end the same. This had literally nothing new, nothing innovative. It was so cookie-cutter, I could practically taste it.
The story told within the story had no relevance to anything and then the author ended it with "Go the fuck to sleep", an excerpt from a shitty book that's popular right now.
I don't know what to say. I tried to keep my criticism positive, but I can't properly articulate that without focusing on what a waste this story was. Well, 3/4 is okay, I guess.
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